How to Become a CC - Competent Cheater

"Raise your hands, spread your legs. 

Take off your jacket, open your shoes, socks!"

If you all are thinking that I am going to break the rules of Toastmasters and give a speech on “you know what”, then I am sorry to disappoint you. I am not describing a romantic scene; yes I was a part of this act along with another person. He touched me at places where only my clothes have touched me before this. After being molested by him, I was cleared to go and sit for my examination. This entire exercise was performed to stop me from cheating!

Mr. Toastmaster, fellow Toastmasters and dear guests, cheating is the second most exciting indoor activity, the first all of you are grown up enough to know. Won’t the examinations become really boring if there isn’t any need to cheat? The poor species called invigilators would be out of job! For the next 5 and half minutes I will teach all of you how to become a CC – Competent Cheater.

The thing that baffles me the most is how smart people who conduct the CAT exam can ban cheating. I mean cheating teaches so many management lessons.

Lesson 1: Resource Management – Cheating requires you to optimally use any part and every part of your anatomy to achieve your purpose. If you are healthy you have more resources and if you are like me you are running a wee bit short on resources. However, cheating teaches you that irrespective of such drawbacks how you can utilize your resources to the maximum.

Lesson 2: Meticulous planning - I had a friend who used to keep a chit of paper in almost every pocket available. He used to wear specially designed shirts with inside pockets. After designing all the chits he used to design a master chit which told him which chit is in which pocket. Don’t you think this is an awesome example of time management and planning? Have you ever wondered how well people plan and coordinate in order to take a toilet break exactly at the same time with the precision of milliseconds?

 Cheating also gives rise to innovation. Mr. Bean proved it by lying down on a table and blowing air with his mouth to turn over the page of the person in order to cheat. I had a classmate who went a step further. He used to use two glasses. One to read things from the person sitting far away and the second one to write in his own copy. He suffered from short sightedness. Then there was another friend who could follow the pattern in which the pen was moved to cheat.

But, like any successful venture, cheating is also dependent on numerous stakeholders. The first and foremost being luck. We always used to rush to the notice board in order to check out the seating arrangement. If you are in the first bench it is your bad luck sometimes. Because there are some invigilators who always believe that back benchers cheat. In such a case you are lucky.

The second stakeholder for a successful cheating venture is the donor i.e. the person from whom you are going to cheat. There are basically three types of donors found in an examination hall.

1.      Universal Donor – As the name suggests, such a donor is hell bent upon helping every one even if you don’t need help. He/she is a reincarnation of a saint in an examination hall.

2.       The symbiotic donor – Such a donor needs your help to help you. I know a person who can write 5 pages of answer at one go if you can tell him the first sentence.

3.      The give and take donor – Such a donor helps you if you help him. Show me answer 4 and I will show you answer 3.

Finally, the most important stakeholder – The Invigilator. In order to tackle this obstacle, you need to be a keen observer. There are a few invigilators who will complete a walk marathon in an examination hall by always walking. Study their walking pattern. Do they look back while walking? Do they glance sideways? All these subtle things will help you in cheating. For example if the person never turns back then read the question paper carefully when he is facing you and as soon as he turns back – Cheat! There are a few invigilators who are extremely meticulous initially but their concentration wanes off as time passes by. For such a person follow the wait and attack policy.

Cheating is the medium which has given rise to lifelong friendship. Strangers become the best of friends during the span of a 2 hour examination. Couples are formed via love at first cheat. All successful cheaters are 6 sigma certified people. Cheating my friends is not a piece of cake; it is a work of art. So my fellow Toastmasters and dear guests, the next time you face an examination practice what I preached and experience the thrill of Cheating!

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TROUBLES OF TELLING THE TRUTH

         Always tell the truth, never tell a lie. We are all taught this since our childhood. This phrase becomes like a malfunctioning record player being played by our parents, teachers, books and even cartoon channels. So have you ever wondered that in spite of such a concerted effort by everyone why do people still lie? Because of the troubles of telling the truth. Take a simple example, you are assigned a role in Toastmasters session and you don’t feel like coming, if you tell that to the VP Ed, he will give you a rollicking, you meet some other fellow toastmaster he/she gives you another dose and finally you get a special call from the spectacled Big Boss who combines all of the above and then adds his own spice to the dish.

        I am going to tell you what are the various troubles that a person faces when he/she speaks the truth.

1.      1.  More Trouble:  I once boarded a bus with my friend. Back in those days having a cell phone was a luxury and my friend had one. He was boasting about his phone all though the journey. When we got down, not only was his phone missing, his pocket was also missing. And you all know how a pocket is positioned in a guy’s pant. He was lucky that he still had you know what. Damn he was speaking the truth that his cell phone is awesome.

2.      2.  No one believes in you: After I joined French classes, the first day the teacher came in and asked, “So what is the first thing that comes in your mind when you hear the word French”. I started waving my hand vigorously because I wanted to make an impression. He said yes you the skeleton say. I said sir the first thing that comes to my mind is French Kiss. I was thrown out of class. Damn I was speaking the truth.

3.      3.  People cannot accept the truth : When that teacher called me a skeleton, the things which were running on my mind were “You have a paunch which makes you look like a pregnant man and you call me a skeleton?” Damn he was only speaking the truth. Another example when your gf asks you am I looking fat, never ever utter the truth that yes sweetheart day by day you are swelling and my purse is deflating. Instead use the latest simili added in English, you are as slim as Anirban. That might however result in she blaming you – so you are saying that I suffer from malnutrition?

        So, what do we do? Thankfully Newton saved us, every action has an equal and opposite reaction. The reaction to the action of troubles when you tell the truth is a lie. Tell a lie. Liars have helped in growth of technology. Do you ever find a truth detector? But there is a lie detector. Politicians make a livelihood by telling a lie. Music directors get awards by telling a lie that it is their own tune. So how do you tell a lie? Thankfully for all you innocent souls in this room you have a master to guide you.

1.      1.  A wild lie: After my friend suffered the next time I boarded a bus and a friend of mine asked me how much money am carrying in my purse. I told him “Purse? Are you crazy? Can’t you see am not even wearing a pant!” It helped. The person sitting in front of me stood up and offered me his seat by moving away from me. The conductor didn’t ask me for tickets. Damn telling a lie helps!

2.      2.  Fabricate the truth: After a lot of dillydallying I was allowed to rejoin my French classes but in a different batch. And this time my answer was French Fries. Not only did it serve the purpose, the teacher even treated us with French fries on that day. . Damn telling a lie helps!

3.      3.  And finally avoid the truth: When your gf asks you that question, simply change the topic to baby it’s been ages we went out for a dinner together. You are saved.

        I told you about both sides of the coin. I leave it upon you whether you want to choose heads or tail. But to help you make your choice here is a final clue. Whatever anecdotes I used in my articles are all lies.  

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The Outpour

It's 1.30 in the night

Driving at 100 without the head light...

I know I should slow down..

But will it take away this frown?

Either the gas runs out or my life..

I am tired of this internal strife....

Life has shown its true color,

It has just got a whole lot duller.

I am waiting for salvation..

Happiness is a long lost emotion...

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TRUE LOVE

“Anirban we played FLAMES between you and Riya” said a friend of mine during class 7. Played what? FLAMES silly – the game which decides what will be the relation between you and Riya. Now Riya was one of the prettiest girls around, so I was eager to know the result. What’s the outcome? S – S for sweetheart? No S for Sister. Nooo…. Don’t worry dude we got M between you and Payel. What’s M?? I asked scared cause Payel was the perfect example of a Tomboy – always punching people around. M for Marriage. When Payel got the news, I got a blackeye for no fault of mine.

This was just one of those numerous incidents that I have had during my search for True Love from these soft spoken, kind hearted, mind boggling, eye catching human beings called Girls.

People often ask me why you don’t have a girlfriend? Some of them gives me that knowing look and asks “Are you straight?” “Yes I am straight both physically, actually and hypothetically.” I am not single for the want of .After I reached adolescence and realized that you shouldn’t chase girls only to play hide and seek, I had the first bout of chemical imbalance in my brain which in simple English translates to love. I came across a term: pick up lines and after a lot of studying realized you should come up with original ones. Another weapon that my dedicated research discovered was poetry. Yes, since time immemorial Shakespeare, Wordsworth and other eminent poets have struck the chord in the hearts of the damsels; have melted their hearts with the warmth of words. Priyanka was her name, as I was waiting outside the school gate I saw her coming. My friends prodded me and there I was waiting with a lovely Red Rose in my hand.

“This Rose is Red; the school dress is Blue, I love you, I love you.”

She smiled and accepted the Red Rose. Yes! It worked. Ladies and gentlemen a truly great poet is born. Or so I thought before she spoke:

“This Rose is Red; the school dress is Blue, My dog writes better poetry than you.”

However contrary to what you people might have thought by now, it wasn’t the end of our relationship. Priyanka was my girl friend, girl who is a friend and Tommy was her boy friend as she went about proclaiming like a loud speaker! This was another triangular love story, only difference being Tommy was not a guy but a dog. Yes, she was another mini version of Maneka Gandhi who loves every species of animals except human beings specifically guys. I called her up a few days after knowing her to ask her out for our first date. “Hey Priyanka, let’s go out for a candle light dinner even though we don’t need the candle. Your mere presence will light up the room.” Yes friends I am a good liar. Priyanka said “Yea I agree but what about Tommy? Who will take care of him?” “Oh your dog. Not to worry. Tie him up so that he doesn’t run away.” “DOG? TIE HIM UP? HOW DARE YOU CALL TOMMY A DOG? YOU INSENSITIVE HUMAN BEING. YOU PUPPY HATING PAAPI.YOU ARROGANT BRAT.” I realized I need to give as much respect to Tommy as I give to Priyanka’s mommy. “No no. He is not a dog. Why should Tommy be a dog? I am a dog.” “Better.” “So when can I pick you up?” “I don’t date dogs. Bye.”

After that experience, my search for true love took a backseat. However, as they say Men will be Men and I committed the cardinal sin again. But believe me guy’s it’s not my fault. She was so beautiful, so gorgeous, and so spectacular, so hot….ok this is a family show….no more descriptions. Whenever guys used to see her something happened to them. The same things happened to me also thankfully. However, my friends warned me that she is a “Demanding” girl. All the more better. They said no no you fool we mean it the right way not the guy’s way. I just brushed them aside. Jealous people. How I wish I didn’t. Her name was Sheila. On our first date in front of 200 people she said sing for me.

“You fill up my senses”

She was looking at me. John Denver fan? Yes. JOHN DENVER FAN??? Yes why? John Denver ditched his girlfriend. You plan to do the same. How will I know that I was going around with an encyclopedia? I told her sorry very sorry I will never again listen to John Denver.

After a few days came her second and final demand. If you love me prove it to me. What do you want me to do? Take Pain. I was scared now that she will ask me to break my bone or something like that but what she said was more barbaric and soulless than anything one could think of : Wax your legs. What??? No I cannot do that. Never! You know Rakesh was asking me what am I doing tomorrow evening. I will be here tomorrow morning with waxed legs. And there was I at her place red both due to embarrassment as well as due to the pain of waxing. And you all know what she said. I don’t like this, your legs look better than mine. I was flabbergasted. To save the sinking ship I told her without thinking anything “I don’t love your legs.” “Whose legs do you love?” “You are having an affair with someone else?” “No I love only my legs” “You narcissist, self centered human being. You don’t care for me do you. You only think about yourself. Goodbye. Rakesh is much better than you. He told me if he was in Shashi Kapoor’s shoes in Zanjeer he would have said in reply to AB’s “I have a car, a bungalow. What do you have”? “I have Sheila”. That is true love.” I still wonder what all Rakesh waxed.

Dear Toastmasters, running after True Love has taught me that the more you run after something, it runs away from you faster. I have had enough of these “Dogs over Boyfriend” and “Why you don’t wax your legs” kind of girls. I am single and happy. And there is a woman who loves me truly with all my flaws. My mother. Today just a few days after Mother’s day I dedicate my article to all the mother’s in this world who actually loves truly.

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I AM NOT GOING TO DIE...

I m not gonna die ...tired of just watching life pass me by;

Have only one life,why waste it by being shy?
Let me enjoy life is the heart's cry,
Saying I am happy when you aren't; isn't that telling yourself a lie?
Always follow the rules, I ask why??
Enjoy life to the fullest and let your mind FLY!!!

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WORDS

Language is a form of human reason, which has its internal logic of which man knows nothing – was how language was defined by someone. What internal logic was the person talking about? I guess it is the words. Words, the basic building block of any form of written or oral communication that we do in our lives. The sumptuous songs, the nostalgic novels, the special speeches all of them were possible because of the words which constitute them. Let me dive into this ocean called words and put forward certain examples which show when used correctly, the magic which words can create.

I was apprehensive of joining Toastmasters. I was asking myself what can I get out of Toastmasters? Then, I read a saying by the first lady president of Toastmasters club. “If you want to get out of Toastmasters with all that you can get out of Toastmasters, then you will never want to get out of Toastmasters”. This simple sentence which carried a deep underlying message convinced me that I am at the right place. We say a lot of things, what matters is how we say it. “I am a very funny person by nature” is what most people will say. How about putting forward this fact in a different way “No me No fun, Know me Know Fun”. It’s the same thing, but creates a different kind of impression on the person it is intended for. Anything that is different from the rest excites people. Same with words, saying things in a different manner does make a difference. Somewhere in suburban Europe there was a contest where guys had to say the following line to a girl “I can die for you” in an innovative way. The winner said it like this “If the only way possible for us to be together is in my dreams, then I will sleep forever”. That is the effect which words can create on someone’s mind. In the movie 3 Idiots when Joy Lobo committed suicide, the thing which hit the viewers the most were two words I QUIT. Two simple words put forward his helplessness, his depression and his pain. The email which we send out to guests before every toastmaster’s session has the subject line “When does a human brain stop working?” These words do generate more interest in the mind of the recipient rather than a simple email subject line.

Words when used cleverly can act as a great motivating tool. “Yes we can” by Barrack Obama, “All is well” from 3 idiots are no longer mere words. They symbolize hope. Words can also persuade people. My grandma who stays in Abu Dhabi was speaking to me and I asked her “Granny why don’t you open an email account? It’s easier to stay in touch.” To which she said “Internet is for young people, I am old now”. I told her “Granny growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional”. Now I find it difficult to keep up with her frequent emails.

Words can motivate people to achieve the impossible. Champion’s league final 2005, AC Milan vs Liverpool. Going into half time, Liverpool were losing the match 3-0. The stadium had approximately 50 thousand Liverpool fans. During the entire duration of the half time break those 50 thousand fans sang the Liverpool anthem “You’ll never walk alone” letting the players know that whatever be the case they are with them. Liverpool scored 3 goals in 6 second half minutes and went on to win the match. Such is the power of words.

But, like any entity on this planet Words can be misused too. It creates a similar everlasting effect albeit in a negative sense. “Such small things happens in big cities” is perhaps the biggest example of this fact. Sadly the Word “Bandh” symbolizes Bengal nowadays. Whenever I hear the word “Matrix” I can only associate it with confusion.

In spite of all these my fellow Toastmasters and guests, can we think of a world without words? What will happen to our favorite songs, poems, novels? Can anything in this world replace the feeling of joy and happiness that is generated when for the first time a toddler utters the word “Ma?” Can any other thing create a better sense of patriotism and passion than the words “Inquilab Zindabad” and “Vande Mataram”? Or for that matter can anything be more symbolic of the promise of love and togetherness that a husband and wife make to each other than the words “I do”?

Words when used correctly can create a feeling like a drop of rain in a desert. Words can dissolve boundaries and can win over anyone’s and everyone’s heart as exemplified by Boyzone in their famous song where they sing:

“It’s only words and words are all I have to take your heart away”

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A Father's Tale....

Prologue: Describe a building from the point of view of a man who just lost his only son in war. Do it without mentioning death, war, his son, or himself. Describe that same building at the same time of day and weather conditions, from the point of view of a man who has just discovered he's going to be a father. The same rules apply however; don't mention birth, or babies.

It’s another lazy Sunday afternoon; I am sitting on the balcony of my 13^th storied flat. No one is at home right now. Marriage ceremony is what they are attending! Don’t people have anything better to do than waste time like this? Well whatever. I look out of the balcony. This shabby looking building right in front of our multi storied apartment absolutely puts me off. It absolutely looks out of place. Look at the color, so dull, missing at places. This building is a like a pauper amongst the princes. Looks like the family on the 7^th floor is celebrating something. Ahh I hear the Happy Birthday song.When will these people realize? One more year gone from their lives.One further step towards death. And they are celebrating that. Funny indeed. A woman came out on the balcony to collect the clothes she left for drying. In today’s modern world where you have the washing machine to do the work for you why would you even bother to use balcony? Stupid people…Look at those birds nesting on the top of the 6^th floor window making such a mess…. how the hell can these people withstand them? Don’t these people have any sense of hygiene? Talking about 6^th floor…the flat on the western side is empty now. Ramesh used to live there, Ramesh Sharma became my closest buddy after retirement…we used to go for morning walks together….he left the apartment last week to join his daughter in US. Ramesh told me that this building was built by one of the most eminent personalities of old times. Wonder how he will feel now looking at the state of his beloved home. “Welcome to the Hotel California” fills up my ears…someone it seems have switched on the radio…..This song is mesmerizing…..aptly describing the helpless state of the person caught up in the wheels of fortune…no escaping from the eventuality…..still he is hoping..hoping that maybe..just maybe he can somehow defeat fate….somehow he may be able to leave that building and reach his family…his beloved ones…….The sun is setting on this Sunday afternoon…and the sun rays are slowly leaving the building in front…plunging it into darkness gradually….another day ends in its miserable life…Trinnggg!!! Looks like someone is at the door…Adieu boring building...

It’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon; I am sitting on the balcony of my 14^th storied flat. No one is at home right now. They have all gone to attend a marriage ceremony. Too bad I couldn’t make it. Marriages are such wonderful occasions. A coming together of two families. I look out of the balcony. This heritage building right in front of our apartment is so beautiful. It reminds me of the good old times. The color which is missing at places tells many tales. This building is likea wise old man amongst immature youngsters. Looks like the family on the 7^th floor is celebrating something. Hey!! It looks like it’s someone’s birthday. One more year gone. One more year which carried so many happy memories and promised many more lovely things for the year ahead. A lady came out on the balcony to collect the clothes she left for drying. Reminds me of my childhood days when I used to play hide and seek with my mother behind hanging clothes on our rooftop. A bird has created a nest on the top of the 6^th floor window. I am sure the people on the 6^th floor are having a nice time watching the baby birds taking their first steps towards flying. Reminds me of Bryan Adam’s “Here I am”…..Talking about 6^th floor, the flat on the western side became empty last week..Ramesh uncle left it to join his daughter at USA. We were all so happy for him. And I am double happy…because my distant cousin Ashok who was looking for a flat from a long time is moving in tomorrow…Ramesh uncle used to tell everyone that this building was built by one of the most eminent personalities of yesteryears…he must be really glad now…his good deed is helping so many people in need…“Welcome to the Hotel California” fills up my ears…someone it seems have switched on the radio…..This song is mesmerizing…..aptly describing the excitement of a person as he steps into the unknown..he doesn’t know if there is light at the end of the tunnel but that doesn’t deter his indomitable spirit..one of the most inspiring songs ever which teaches you no matter what happens life moves on..the flame is never diminished.. The sun is setting on this Sunday afternoon…and the sun rays are slowly leaving the building..it seems as if the sun rays are waving goodbye tenderly to their beloved friend with the promise of meeting again tomorrow. Trinnggg!!! Looks like someone is at the door…Adieu beautiful building.

Epilogue:Dedicated to all the fathers in this world, without whom our lives will be so incomplete..

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