"Raise your hands, spread your legs.
Take off your jacket, open your shoes, socks!"
If you all are thinking that I am going to break the rules of Toastmasters and give a speech on “you know what”, then I am sorry to disappoint you. I am not describing a romantic scene; yes I was a part of this act along with another person. He touched me at places where only my clothes have touched me before this. After being molested by him, I was cleared to go and sit for my examination. This entire exercise was performed to stop me from cheating!
Mr. Toastmaster, fellow Toastmasters and dear guests, cheating is the second most exciting indoor activity, the first all of you are grown up enough to know. Won’t the examinations become really boring if there isn’t any need to cheat? The poor species called invigilators would be out of job! For the next 5 and half minutes I will teach all of you how to become a CC – Competent Cheater.
The thing that baffles me the most is how smart people who conduct the CAT exam can ban cheating. I mean cheating teaches so many management lessons.
Lesson 1: Resource Management – Cheating requires you to optimally use any part and every part of your anatomy to achieve your purpose. If you are healthy you have more resources and if you are like me you are running a wee bit short on resources. However, cheating teaches you that irrespective of such drawbacks how you can utilize your resources to the maximum.
Lesson 2: Meticulous planning - I had a friend who used to keep a chit of paper in almost every pocket available. He used to wear specially designed shirts with inside pockets. After designing all the chits he used to design a master chit which told him which chit is in which pocket. Don’t you think this is an awesome example of time management and planning? Have you ever wondered how well people plan and coordinate in order to take a toilet break exactly at the same time with the precision of milliseconds?
Cheating also gives rise to innovation. Mr. Bean proved it by lying down on a table and blowing air with his mouth to turn over the page of the person in order to cheat. I had a classmate who went a step further. He used to use two glasses. One to read things from the person sitting far away and the second one to write in his own copy. He suffered from short sightedness. Then there was another friend who could follow the pattern in which the pen was moved to cheat.
But, like any successful venture, cheating is also dependent on numerous stakeholders. The first and foremost being luck. We always used to rush to the notice board in order to check out the seating arrangement. If you are in the first bench it is your bad luck sometimes. Because there are some invigilators who always believe that back benchers cheat. In such a case you are lucky.
The second stakeholder for a successful cheating venture is the donor i.e. the person from whom you are going to cheat. There are basically three types of donors found in an examination hall.
1. Universal Donor – As the name suggests, such a donor is hell bent upon helping every one even if you don’t need help. He/she is a reincarnation of a saint in an examination hall.
2. The symbiotic donor – Such a donor needs your help to help you. I know a person who can write 5 pages of answer at one go if you can tell him the first sentence.
3. The give and take donor – Such a donor helps you if you help him. Show me answer 4 and I will show you answer 3.
Finally, the most important stakeholder – The Invigilator. In order to tackle this obstacle, you need to be a keen observer. There are a few invigilators who will complete a walk marathon in an examination hall by always walking. Study their walking pattern. Do they look back while walking? Do they glance sideways? All these subtle things will help you in cheating. For example if the person never turns back then read the question paper carefully when he is facing you and as soon as he turns back – Cheat! There are a few invigilators who are extremely meticulous initially but their concentration wanes off as time passes by. For such a person follow the wait and attack policy.
Cheating is the medium which has given rise to lifelong friendship. Strangers become the best of friends during the span of a 2 hour examination. Couples are formed via love at first cheat. All successful cheaters are 6 sigma certified people. Cheating my friends is not a piece of cake; it is a work of art. So my fellow Toastmasters and dear guests, the next time you face an examination practice what I preached and experience the thrill of Cheating!
